A List of Incredible Rooms That Would Be in My Imaginary Mansion
This started out as a game my friends and I would play at art galleries. We’d discuss which room in our apartment we’d put various paintings we liked. I began to not take it seriously and invented rooms that didn’t exist, but suited the painting well. Here is a list of common rooms I have imagined.
- A cavernous, brightly lit room lit by a slowly rotating monochromatic light where the complete discography of Radiohead is played slowed down 10x.
- A enormous library for the history of naval warfare. I have no interest in this subject at all, but you’d be amazed at how many nice paintings there are that really just don’t belong anywhere except in this particular room.
- A room containing a large pond filled with white lotuses and a rowboat. Deep into the room in the middle of the pond is one of my favorite paintings held over the water on glass wall. I’ll invite people over to see it, but they will have to row with me thru the pond. “Which painting is it?”, they’ll ask. “Oh I bought it from the Art Institute of Chicago. It’s of a Lotus pond, just like the one we’re in right now.”, I’ll reply. “Oh, that one by Monet?”. I’ll stop rowing: “I said Louts, not Lilly, you Philistine.”img
- A giant closet containing a copy of every t-shirt I have ever loved. An emergency supply of bulk tissues and dark chocolate is stored on site in case I get teary-eyed from the overwhelming nostalgia.
- The Grand Canyon in miniature and scaled so that it is on average 6 ft deep. That is the floor of the room and everyone entering the room must sign a liability waiver. On the far side of the mini canyon are some American-Western themed paintings that many people want to see, but are just too far out of site. Maybe there is a way to cross the canyon? No, there is no safe way to cross the canyon. The wilderness will not be tamed to be treated as a commodity or a reflection of bourgeoisie ideology. A sign warns visitors of bears nearby.
- The locked room for paintings which are good but unnecessarily popular and need a time-out so other deserving art can be appreciated.
- A hall of very many mirrors and cubist portraits.
- A bathroom completely normal in every respect except that the bathtub is actually large enough for an average person to lie in comfortably.